I've had a lot of great feedback from women with children lately. That makes me feel particularly good; though our lifestyles are different, we do share much in common, and we respect one another's life choices. It's wonderful to get feedback from women with children who appreciate things I've written on the subject of motherhood, as it's not something I will ever experience, and I like to know that not only have I struck a chord, but I'm not treading on anyone's toes by expressing my feelings on the matter.
As a childfree person, I think parenthood is a very big and very important job. One of the reasons I don't want kids myself is the amount of time and energy I feel should be spent on one's children. For a parent, raising children will always come first: teaching them, expanding their range of experiences, attuning to their needs and wants, balancing play with learning. Music, sport, language, trivia. If this is what you want as a part of your life, I salute you for it - it's very important for society at large that love, time and energy are invested into raising the next generation by dedicated, wise parents.
The amount of energy I feel should be invested into raising sprogs is not something I personally feel able to invest, and as such, I would not want to be a poor parent by investing less than I feel necessary. And it's something I see quite a bit in the childfree community: parenthood is considered something important, and therefore, something that should be reserved for those who want to do it and will put the effort into doing it well.
Thence comes the term "breeder". Within the CF world it is often used pejoratively to refer to parents who do a poor job of parenting, and don't care. A breeder invests genetic material, but not the time or energy required to raise children who are well-mannered and intelligent. A breeder has children for the wrong reasons (to save a marriage, because they want something to dress up, to have something that will love them, because "that's what we do"). A breeder is not willing to shoulder the responsibility that parenthood. A breeder will not discipline his or her children, and affects outrage when someone points out that their sprogs are misbehaving. A breeder expects preferential treatment for herself and her children because she has procreated. A breeder has little respect for the world around him or her, and as such lets the children do as they please regardless of how offensive or destructive they are being. A breeder is selfish and disrespectful of others. A person who is having difficulty coping as a parent is not a breeder; the term applies to those who either don't notice their kids are misbehaving, or notice but think it's okay because it's their kids and they should be able to do what they like and god forbid anyone challenge them. These breeders who let their children run wild and criticise the childfree are the same people who have such little care and sympathy for those women who have difficult pregnancies, who struggle with parenting or who have suffered from PPD. They think that because their gametes collided they have accomplished something of note, something anyone should wish to accomplish, and that they should get special treatment for it.
Procreation is not difficult. People do it all the time. It is not a magical special miracle, it is a biological process. Parenthood, now, parenthood is difficult. That's why the word "parent" is reserved for those who put effort into doing it well.
The children around here run wild and their parents let them. I do understand to some level, that a kid will be a kid and as such they may not always understand that some of the things they do is disrespectful. That is where the parents need to step in and help them to understand that.
ReplyDeleteThe husband and I were just discussing what to do about this. We've decided the best route is to talk to the manager of the apartments and ask her to send out a polite little reminded on different issues.
There is part of me that very much wants to knock on each of the kids doors and talk to their parents but for one, I don't want to come across as if I'm trying to tell anyone how to raise their child as I'm not. I'm simply asking them to take a moment to look up from their book while their sitting out in eyes view of their child as said child is running around climbing on the air conditioning units using them as a jungle gym, stomping around and spilling their sugary drinks all over OUR patio, and flat out pressing their faces up to our glass doors to look inside.
I know I can't be the only one that just finds these things extremely disrespectful. Granted though, it's not entirely the children's fault whenever the parent is sitting only another patio's length away not saying anything or is nowhere to be seen. Again even here, I can understand that at a certain age you cannot keep them on a leash. But there is a certain point that you need to intervene.
Second, I've had some stranger try to tell me that I apparently wasn't doing right by my daughter. Although, the situation was very different. Lills had been crying one night due to teething. However, it's not like it was rather late, it was only about 9 p.m. I'd given her teething tables, things to chew on, and finally children's Tylonal yet she continued to express her frustrations through crying. At that point we decided that that was perhaps simply what she needed to do, cry it out. However, we get a loud knock on the door sometime later and a rather intrusive woman was trying to look in asked, "Do you need help with her?" To which the hubby replied, "Can I help YOU with something?" as we were both highly offended. We then explained that she was simply teething. The woman then berated us with questions, "Well have you done 'this or that'?" and told us how she'd raised four children and was experienced if we needed help. I was livid by the time we finally told her that her assistance was not necessary and practically closed the door in her face.
If she was simply irritated by her crying all she would have needed to say was, "I hate to be a bother and understand sometimes children cry but I have to get up early.." or whatever the case may be and we would have then tried other ways to get her to stop crying. I found her intrusion though, to be extremely uncalled for as well as offensive and that it insinuated that we were doing something wrong for letting her cry it out a bit.
So, on one hand I wouldn't want to make another parent feel the way that woman made me feel but again, that was a different situation. Although it is the biggest reason we've just decided to talk to the landlord about it and trust that she will intervene as to not cause any tension with our neighbors. Not that I honestly care what they might think of me but just out of professional/mature curtsey.
I think another thing that I hate as well is that just because I have a child myself, people tend to think that I just love all children and honestly, I am generally not a fan of other peoples kids. At all. Especially when their parental units are more as you've stated beautifully, breeders, not really "parents."
Thought I'd share a link to another blog that I read on occasion, since their most recent post was on a similar topic, and I thought you might get a kick out of reading it.
ReplyDeletehttp://snarkynavywife.blogspot.com/2011/06/judgmental-breeders.html
"Procreation is not difficult. People do it all the time. It is not a magical special miracle, it is a biological process. Parenthood, now, parenthood is difficult. That's why the word "parent" is reserved for those who put effort into doing it well."
ReplyDeleteThis. I love this statement so much, I wish to marry it. I want it on a fucking shirt- hell, I want it on a poster in the og/gyn offices.
That aside, another wonderful blog ma'am. I've added this one to StumbleUpon and shared it on facebook as well.
I wish I could have some kind of profound, contributing comment for you, but I don't. I'm failing at replying to much today.