Actually, I Rather Like Men.

It has been a long time since we've had a "women's issues" post. I think we're overdue one.

Now, I'm not usually a fan of conspiracy theories. And there's one issue that skirts a little close, in my opinion - so I don't like to read into it too much. I don't want to draw the obvious conclusion... or even suggest that it truly damages feminism as a concept, label aside.

But it is an issue that really, really annoys me. It is the concept that feminism is misandry.

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know that I love men. I get along just as well, if not better, with men as with women, and they are nice to look at, among other things. I am a strong supporter of men's health, men's mental health and issues such as woman-on-man rape (and, for that matter, man-on-man rape) and domestic violence. Violence against men in the home is massively underreported and a big issue for me. We women have woman-only shelters and things to run to, foundations to support us, while domestic violence against men is swept under the carpet.

Feminism is about gender equality. It's not solely about women. But recall, in many countries women could not vote a century ago. Power has stood with men for a long time. So first and second wave feminism focused mostly on the liberation of women from roles focused solely around the home, or as nurses or secretaries and nothing else. We're at a stage now where there are still assumed gender roles, and in many professions there's still a glass ceiling, still a pay gap. There are still chauvinists and sexist pigs in society. But things are significantly better than they were, and the focus now is as much on men as it is on women. 

And not only men and women. We are no longer limited to thinking there are only two genders. Third gendered individuals are all but invisible even today, and must occasionally (or, unfortunately for some, continuously) select "man" or "woman" and conform to it publicly. English, so wonderful in so many ways, has not presented us with a suitable genderless pronoun. I think this change - accepting the third genders as full and equal socially - will be slow and long in coming, not because of any sort of inherent prejudices (although these will exist) but because of the cultural shifting that will need to take place.

I tend to think that the vast majority of women in Western societies nowadays are probably feminists by default. If you choose to live a "traditional" home-maker life and allow your husband to take the reins in all your family decisions, but feel women should be able to live whatever life they choose, I would still count you as a feminist: your choice is your choice, you aren't asking all women to live as you do. It would be hypocritical for me to want to push you to enjoy a similar lifestyle to myself. Similarly a pro-choice woman may never elect to have an abortion herself, yet will support the rights of others to make that choice for themselves. Indeed, I tend to think of most men as feminists as well. Why would they not be? They love the women in their lives. I have to think they accept us as equals both at home and in the work place. I know that this is not always the case, but it is what I expect. It is what I expect from every man I meet. When I bother analysing that expectation, I have to think that it is the best view to take. This should, after all, be considered the norm. As far as I'm concerned, it is.

Feminists do not agree with one another on all issues - see, for example, the rows over whether the sex industry is dehumanising or empowering (or both). There are some women who call themselves feminists that I would consider sexist at best and misandrists at worst. Are they still feminists? One wouldn't want to fall into a "No True Scotsman" fallacy. Yet I do think that feminism is about equality, not about elevating one gender above the other; that would be counter to the ideals of feminism as I understand them. Replacing a patriarchy with a matriarchy would help no one, simply replace one set of stereotypes and restricting gender roles with another. Equality is the aim: the right for any person to be understood as a person, as themselves, not limited by what gender they identify with - or indeed what parts they were born with.

So where does this idea that all feminists are misandrists come from? Is it simply that those women are the loudest? That they are the only women who publicly identify as feminists, so some believe they are representative of feminism in its entirety? Or - in that conspiracy I mentioned earlier - is it some sort of attempt to discredit feminism as a whole?

Personally I want to believe that those who try so hard to discredit feminism as man-hating and hypocritical have no understanding of what feminism is, perhaps have only come across a handful of women who identified themselves outwardly as feminists and were (as some are) disparaging to men and humourless about women. I don't want to think of every person who dismisses feminism as some sort of misogynist. 

We have girls saying they are certainly not feminists. I stand with my jaw dropped - how can they possibly not want to be considered the equal of boys? Of men? How can they blow off feminism on the one hand and demand their rights on the other? Are they not aware that those things are one in the same? Apparently not - and it angers me. It angers me that feminism is associated with being "butch", a man-hater, or a lesbian (as if all three of those things were negative and interchangeable). It angers me that feminists past, their writings, and the rights and social freedoms they fought for that we now take for granted may be disparaged by this horrendously narrow view of feminism.

I don't think we are going to take many steps backwards in women's rights because of this issue. Many people may not think of gender equality as feminism, but will still support gender equality, and that is the important thing. But a pet peeve is a pet peeve, and this is an irritation I will not soon overcome, I fear - and the hatred and scorn levelled at those of us women who do identify as feminists is not acceptable. Especially since those taking the flak are unlikely to hold the views those who are stereotyping them believe them to hold.

Above all, let us not forget that in many parts of the world, women are still fighting for things some of us in Western societies take for granted now. Feminism is not something relegated to the past, clung to only by those women who want to elevate their gender above men. It is living; it is many movements, not just one; it is an evolving concept, relevant now as it was in the 70s. And, I think, more aware of men now than it was then, and the import of freeing men from their own stereotypes and restrictive gender roles. Moreover, equality does not mean we have to be the same.

Feminism is a huge umbrella, with a multitude of arms. (Mixed metaphor. Sorry.) For me, feminism has always been about one primary concept: Women are people.

Further Reading:

Feminism

Feminist Movements and Ideologies

Feminist Hulk teaches and inspires

Falling down is a CRIME

Perhaps I over-stated it. But I'd still wager you will be shocked by this article as much as I was.

I've expressed my irritation over my own country's abortion laws in the past, and expressed my admiration that the United States retains legal abortions, despite the attacks against this right - such as South Dakota's bill that could essentially legalise the killing of abortion doctors, and Utah's criminalisation of miscarriage. But the fact that a pregnant woman could actually be held for taking a tumble, and then expressing some previous concerns with a healthcare professional, is really disturbing. Does the father get held as well for distressing her enough that she took that tumble? (Guess.) This woman was only released because she was still in her second trimester, not in her third as had been thought. Not because it was ridiculous to arrest her in the first place, oh no.

American women have to keep a close eye on these bills, write to their representatives, and support their local Reproductive Rights groups in whatever way they can. It is a massive concern that pregnant women are actually being held for discussing their reproductive decisions after an accident.

I just wanted to bring this article to everyone's attention. I'm the sort of person who likes to think of feminist issues as continually improving, but things like this really remind me that in matters of healthcare and reproductive rights, we still have a long way to go - and if we're not careful, society could end up backsliding.



(Thanks to @neilhimself for linking the article on Twitter, and @kandinthehunter for retweeting it.)

International Women's Day

Google kindly (and colourfully) informs me that today is International Women's Day! Hurrah!

What does one do on International Women's Day? Poor out a drink for the fallen Suffragettes? Although many of them were temperance campaigners too so they might not actually appreciate that. (That temperance thing can't have helped their case, really.)

It has been about 118 years since women got the vote here. I sort of wish that I'd been more attentive child in 1993 and celebrated. I honestly don't remember a single thing about a century of women's votes. Maybe they didn't actually do anything. That would have been a shame.

It has been 27 years since the women of Leichtenstein won the right to vote. Although apparently it was just a formality since the women made all the decisions anyway? Don't ask me. I was a bit taken aback to discover they had been granted the formal right to vote nearly 100 years after we had, that's all. I suppose it's their business.

When's International Men's Day? I'd like to bake a cake in the shape of a penis. Or penis shortbread biscuits? What would be better? Today, of course, is more the day for boob pikelets. Isn't it Pancake Tuesday as well? Well that settles it!

In other news, there's an FAQ now.

THIS JUST IN: Pregnancy Not Always a Walk in the Park

If you know me, you'll know I'm childfree. You'll also know I have nothing against those who choose to breed. You know, so long as they don't furnish me with constant details, or anything. Indeed, part of being pro-choice is supporting the rights of pregnant women to have the pregnancy and birth that they choose. And one of the things that I tend to get up in arms about is the taboo surrounding expressing feelings of depression, frustration or disconnection during or after pregnancy.

I frequent a few forums, and in my wanderings came upon a woman who was distressed and upset because, she said, she had no connection to her 10 week old foetus. She had been under the impression that women bonded instantly with their zygotes and stayed that way right the way through, and because she hadn't done so, there must be something terribly wrong with her.

These feelings are more common than she (and many other women) realise. Societal pressure for women to be perfect, flawless mothers means that those that do speak up and try to voice their emotional distress aren't embraced and supported but ruthlessly attacked. Oh, not always, I grant you - but far too often. They are called horrible women, told they will be bad mothers and that they may as well abort or adopt the baby out, because they're obviously not going to make a good parent. These things happened to the woman I saw in the forums, and they happen to other women too. So women feeling that disconnect from their foetus don't express those feelings (would you, knowing you'd be at the receiving end of a barrage of insults and attacks?) and so feel isolated, as if they're the only people who feel that disconnect.

Women who have easy, happy pregnancies may give birth and realise they feel nothing for their children. Months may pass without this lifting. They might feel fear or dread when holding or looking at their baby. They may worry that they will never love their child. They may not want to hold their child, or breastfeed, or spend time with their child. These are indicators of post-partum (also called post-natal) depression, which is surprisingly common. Doctors and Plunket nurses will be able to diagnose and give more information, and help mothers with their support networks. But there are also women who, with hormones and a new baby to deal with and other life issues besides, are simply so busy or exhausted they don't have the time to bond with their babies.

It's not automatic. And we're conditioned to believe it should be.

Which leaves women who don't automatically love their babies feeling like horrible people. And gods help them if they try to express their frustration and distress.

Depression - which I will say now I have experienced, at least the non-post-natal variety - is exhausting. Absolutely physically and emotionally exhausting. It's hard getting help at the best of times, if nothing else because actually reaching out to others takes energy that's difficult to even contemplate expending. It's difficult to imagine building up the courage and strength to reach out for that help only to be harshly criticised for emotions that they can't help feeling, and shamed by others as bad mothers and bad women. They aren't bad women. They aren't bad mothers. But for many, as far as they know they're the only women in the world who feel the way they do, because it's so difficult to say. Difficult to admit, in a world where new mothers feel like they should know everything, in a world where mothers should love their children instantly and unconditionally, that they are sad, they are afraid, and they are unable to cope on their own.

Now pregnancy is a difficult time for many women. They may be feeling depressed, maybe they aren't connecting with their foetus. Maybe it's simply a difficult pregnancy and their symptoms are making their life hell. And when they express this, every so often, they get a comment like this:

"Do you know what I would give to be able to experience [that] 'hell'? I might not be able to get pregnant. I'd give anything just to be able to have one child of my own. So, I find this very offensive, and hurtful." 

And yes, that is an actual quote.

How is it some women can be so utterly and disgustingly self-centred as to consider every pregnant woman venting her frustration or reaching out for help as some sort of personal insult? You're offended? Why? Because a pregnant person dares to admit that their experience isn't one of constant ecstasy? Because she dares express emotions that are normal? Is a normal woman's natural response to her pregnancy actually offensive to you? What the fuck is your problem?

God forbid women be less than perfect. God forbid that pregnancy be anything less than a cake-walk. Apparently not going through life with a smile plastered across your face makes you some kind of failure as a woman, and if you complain, ever, all you're doing is intentionally hurting other women who would so dearly love to have such terrible problems as you have.

What happened here? Where did this crap come from? Fuck these taboos. New mothers are allowed to be human and they need to know that they are not alone, and that they're not failures or bad mothers for feeling what they feel.

I'm with you, ladies. I know that you secretly want to spit venom at those damn women whose pregnancies are a constant joy, who float around as if carrying a baby makes them the Virgin Mary or something and who coo over your belly while making inane comments about their own pregnancies. "Oh are you craving pickles yet? I simply couldn't get enough pickles. Have you chosen a name yet? Don't you just LOVE being pregnant?" Meanwhile you're barely aware of what's going on because you're so damn fatigued, and you're all stretched out of shape and feeling ill and not at all enthustiastic and all you want to do is punch these cooing bantams in the face and then lie down and drink some tequila, which you can't do BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING PREGNANT.

Plunket on Post-Natal Depression

Wikipedia on Post-Partum Depression

 Y'know, see your doctor, and all that. Peace.

Why Am I Here?

I am here (on blogger, writing this now) for two reasons, primarily, and these two reasons overlay a whole set of inklings and thoughts and motivations.

My first reason is that my Feminism Button has recently been pushed. I think I'll get to the reasons why in another post, but essentially it boils down to the pro-choice stance on abortion, and what this means (and more importantly, what opposing stances mean) for a woman's ownership of her own body.

I grew up as a feminist. I was a feminist when I was very small, though I didn't think of it that way; I simply felt that girls could do anything boys could do, and any suggestion otherwise would have to be thoroughly explained and vigorously defended. I think perhaps Lisa Simpson worked her influence on me somewhere in those early years. Then of course the 1990s gave us Girl Power in the form of the Spice Girls, which really wasn't much to do with feminism but made you feel somehow empowered about being female anyway. I've essentially remained unchanged in my stance since I was little, and honestly haven't done much investigation into the concept of and history of feminism. I know my country was the first in the world to grant women the vote back in 1893, something of which I'm fiercely proud. So I'm not well versed in the lingo, I'm not well read in this area, I'm not active in feminist protests or movements. So you'll have to forgive me if my words are a bit unversed in this area. It is, I think, something I shall be working on. But I believe any person is entitled to the same rights as any other regardless of whether they are male, female, or third gendered. My rights as a woman are something I've always simply taken for granted. I have since childhood always assumed I would be afforded the same rights and treatment as a man would and rarely think about it.... and as a result, when it appears that I may be losing out in some way by virtue of having a uterus I am at first shocked and appalled, and then very angry. Quite simply, I am a woman, I deserve no less than others by virtue of being such, and I'll be damned if I'll let anyone take my rights away from me.

My second reason is that I hoped to write and post a series of book reviews on the subjects of Paganism and witchcraft. I feel one can never have too many reviews to read through when wondering on what to spend their hard earned money, and there are far too many reviews (particularly on book purchasing websites) that simply laud the book without going into any detail about what made the book great, and where it failed. And they always fail. Even the bests books on Paganism and witchcraft have particular flaws, and these should be discussed even in a five-star review. Besides, this or that reviewer might be brand new to Paganism and not know their athames from their hammers.

To that end, I intend to post reviews on books I have read and own, mostly on the subjects of witchcraft, Paganism, mythology and theology. I'll give scores out of ten and... well, frankly my book standards are pretty high. After nearly eleven years as a practising Pagan and more reading about the occult I am bitter, angry and dissillusioned with much of what I read. So many "facts" stated without citations, so many biblographies loaded with the author's own works, so much arse. And yet, I buy more books, I return to the library, all in the vain hope that I'll find a book I really like. So even on the books I do enjoy, I intend to review rather harshly. The bad points often stick in my mind better than the good, anyway. I'll also post reviews from friends if they are happy to share, so they may use a different scoring system than myself. Rest assured anything not written by me personally will be properly attributed to its author(s).

As mentioned, I've been a practising Pagan for nearly eleven years, and a practising witch for just as long. As a child with a long interest in the occult (for some reason) it was inevitable that I would stumble upon "real witchcraft" at some point. Unfortunately when I did so, I was naive and believed pretty much everything I read if it was classified as "non-fiction". I started out, as many do, with eclectic Neo-Paganism falsely marketed as Wicca. That served me well for a couple of years, but I had always had theological issues with "the rede" and eventually attempted a more general eclecticism. In time I came upon the Nordic pantheon, fell into Heathenry (Norse Reconstructionism and Recon-derived religions) and remain there quite happily. I have a thorough interest in other religions as well. I'm a Hedgewitch of sorts, and a religious one (ditheistic), which is a path I doubt I'll go into any detail on in future.

So, those are my two reasons, and the background to each. And here I am.